Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Hopelessly in Love (or something along those lines): When you can't let go

Have you ever been so obsessed/in love with (the line feels blurry sometimes, I gotta be honest) with someone that even though you don't really have a relationship with them any more, you're not sure you want to date anyone else because you just wish it was them. And you're afraid you might forfeit the chance to be with that person should they change their mind one of these days. Essentially, you would wait around for them to change their mind. Because for some bizarre reason, you want that person that much.

Sometimes I wonder if I've just become attached to the idea of the person. He's serving as some stand-in so I can have someone to pin my hopes on when I dream of those little romantic moments.

I wonder whether my bubble would be popped if we actually got together and the cold hard reality of living and compromising with someone would rain on my beautiful fantasy sunshine world.

I wonder whether I just need the emotional stability of having one person I can stay attached to emotionally in the midst of all the change going on in my life.

I wonder whether he's just all that's available at the moment.

I wonder whether it's an excuse for me to stay in my comfort zone and not explore the scary world of dating and meeting people and having things not work out.

But then sometimes I wonder if it really is some form of love if you care about a person still after all this time and space and heartache. Or do I chronically want what I can't have?

Maybe it's a mixture of everything. But all the same. I still think of him every hour of every day. I still ask myself why he doesn't reach out, why he didn't visit when he was in the area. What he meant when he said this or that. Whether he reads this blog. Whether he's noticed I deleted my Facebook. What he would say if I told him how much I cared. Whether he already knows.

Whether he secretly feels the same.

Probably not, I guess.

Or he would have written by now.

All the same, it's nice to have someone beautiful to see and think, "I would take a bullet for you. Your life matters more to me than my own, even if you never know." There's something beautiful about selfless love.

Even if it keeps you up at night wishing you were more outgoing like him or had shown your wittier side back in July or had straighter teeth or had better taste or were beautiful and well-traveled and accomplished but also able to let loose like him and his friends. Maybe then things would be different.

So you torture yourself, over-analyzing other girls' comments on his timeline or how long it's been since you last texted or that last real conversation you had in August or his body language on that one night...

And maybe that's why you shouldn't wait around.

But, darling, please know that I really do want to wait for you.

And I probably will.

Seems on brand.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Social Anxiety Strikes Again: How School Starting Can Provoke Anxiety

Over the past year, my social anxiety has gotten a lot less crippling than it used to be. I still am "the quiet one" and don't feel comfortable saying much when there are more than two other people in a conversation, but all the meeting new people and on-the-spot introductions I've had to give while bouncing between different internships this year has taken the edge off of the anticipatory anxiety I experience before a social interaction. It's been a sort of unintentional exposure therapy.

Along with that, I've noticed that the other hallmark of my social anxiety -- worrying about all everything I might have done wrong for days, weeks, months after the event has occurred has also decreased as my general anxiety level has been decreasing thanks to vitamins and medication. I used to obsess over interviews or conversations or things I said in class for days after the event, replaying what I said in my head and trying to remember how people reacted, then trying to gauge how horrifically on the social faux pas scale I had failed. The beauty of this is that then I'll be even more afraid to say anything the next time I'm with people because I 1) start pre-over-analyzing everything I could say and how I might regret it later, and thus 2) talk myself out of saying anything, making me feel anxious about how I must look either rude or like a quiet, mousy lame person that nobody will want to be friends with.

Ah, social anxiety. How I love you.

Well, things have been a lot better than before -- I order coffee and thank waiters and go up to cashiers to pay for things, all stuff I was terrified of doing a couple years ago. I can shake hands somewhat less awkwardly than before, I spoke in a staff meeting without time to prep a speech, and I even made (appropriate, tasteful) jokes in a recent job interview...Who is she! All the same, I still have socially anxious tendencies lurking in me. When you grow up with this crippling condition, it tends to shape the way you think and live life.

If there is a self-checkout in a store, I always use it. If somebody makes an offhand comment to me in a store, I will reply with an incoherent one-syllable mutter because I'm taken by surprise and don't know how to respond. Unless I really vibe with a person or group, I tend to present my mousy self. When I talk to strangers, I sometimes can't manage to make my voice louder than a stage whisper.

As I mentioned in another post, I'm in the midst of searching for a job, which brings out the anxious mess in me. After two months of searching and a couple of almost-wins, I've realized there are some areas where my job skill set has some gaping holes (perhaps not surprising since I was a humanities major.) Since I currently don't have any job leads, I decided to sign up for a course at a community college to get some additional professional training. Tonight was the first time the class met, and the whole ordeal brought out the Hot Anxious Mess that has been lurking in me, periodically reemerging at different points in the job search.

I forgot how much school stresses me out. I love learning and I enjoyed listening to the lecture...until the professor started asking more and more questions. At first I hoped they were just a way for her to bring up a new topic because she would answer the questions herself. But then she started to pose them to the class, and there were only seven of us to answer. I started to get more and more stressed out. At the start of class, my mind had thoughts to share should the occasion arise, but they were more philosophical questions. The questions the teacher was asking required one-word spit outs that I was too flustered to come up with. In one horrible moment, she locked eyes with me as she asked something. You know when, in books, the writer says a character opened and closed his or her mouth like a fish? That was basically me. I was speechless. Too stunned to come up with words and too clenched with fear to utter them even if I had had something to say.

As the class went on, more and more happened to skyrocket my anxiety. We were supposed to have a break partway through class and I really needed to use the restroom, so I left. When I came back, the class had resumed like I wasn't there and everyone was in the midst of an activity while I spend ten minutes trying to figure out where the power button for the computer was.

More questions. More silence from me. Other people finally started to open up. I tried to nod and occasionally utter some syllable, but I grew increasingly embarrassed about not talking. I got the feeling some people were noticing, including the professor. I felt so stressed. And when another student made a passing comment to me, my mind was completely blank on how to respond, so I just muttered, "Oh." Then worried I seemed hateful or stuck up.

There was an unclear assignment given for "homework" and a lot of vague directions. I felt like I was treading water and I just wanted to get out. In the back of my mind, I could already feel all the existential career and life questions that are always hanging out under the bleachers of my mind, waiting to come up and bug me -- I could feel them banging on the closet door I had locked them behind to focus on taking notes. Should I have studied this stuff in school? Why didn't I choose a different major? Should I go to grad school? What is my calling?

It's all pretty overwhelming and I doubt I'll ever have the answers.

Class finally ended and my social anxiety came out again in classic fashion: While part of me went into the class hoping to make friends, once I was faced with the possibility of human interaction, I was terrified. I prayed nobody would end up walking the same direction to the parking garage as me so I'd have to force conversation or feel awkward and antisocial avoiding them. So then I consciously avoided the chance to bond with anyone.

But sometimes it's just one day at a time. One step out of your comfort zone at a time. We're not superheroes. We can't do everything at once. Fighting these battles is a process, and sometimes we -- I don't want to say take a step back...more like the not-so-recovered parts of you that you were able to mask before, they sometimes come out when you're placed in a stressful situation. Which makes sense because stress affects all of us, whether mentally ill or not. It throws us off our game and brings out insecurities and can leave us speechless.

I keep reminding myself it was just day one, which is always overwhelming. And that I should be proud of myself for pushing myself by enrolling. But it's easy to just beat myself up for not being social enough. And then tell myself I'll never have more friends or be successful because I'm too shy. That doesn't really help anything though -- it just perpetuates the cycle. I am bullying myself into being scared to live my life. That's cruel and wrong. What's more is it's counter-productive.

Part of me wishes I'd never signed up for the stupid class -- I hate being stressed and having to anticipate something unpleasant periodically. But I need to keep growing, stretching, pushing. Otherwise you become boxed in by fear.

I still am boxed in any many ways, but I've dug my fair share of tunnels out.

Monday, May 28, 2018

Tell Me What's Wrong: The Difficulties of Being a Chronic Empath

This past year has been a kind of chaotic one for me...I have lived in different places, worked different jobs, met people and then parted ways. It's a lot of turbulence for a person that change is hard for. But one thing has been consistent at each place I've been in over the past year: People confided in me. I was able to listen, show compassion, and empathize with different individuals wherever I was.

I love having the chance to connect with people on a deeper level. I cherish being able to lend a caring ear. My goal in life is to be an empathetic, helpful person so these moments - on a selfish level - make me feel fulfilled as a human, like I'm having a small impact on the world. More than that, I would love to see a world where people feel comfortable talking about their pain and getting help for their difficulties, so if I can be a part of helping people work through tough times or be someone they feel comfortable opening up to for the first time about something, I embrace that.

Naturally, after having these moments of openness and emotional intimacy, I often end up growing emotionally attached to the person. It feels like we've bonded on a deeper level so I typically feel more connected to that person, like we've been in the trenches together. When someone has entrusted you with their secrets, you feel like they care about and trust you more than others. As someone who's never been very popular, that can be a very powerful feeling.

The difficult thing I've encountered is that oftentimes people who aren't used to being open about their feelings will, after sharing with me, feel uncomfortable that they did so and then close up again, sometimes even more than before. This leaves me feeling confused, hurt, and betrayed. I especially find that once I'm no longer in the same geographic place as the other person, they'll stop communicating what's going on in their head, heart, and life with me.

I've been trying to remind myself that being open just doesn't come as naturally to some as it does to others and everyone processes emotions differently. Even I -- Queen of Emotional Word Vomit -- can clam up about my struggles except maybe to one or two people very close to me. But, being an intuitive empath, I can often tell when somebody is struggling, so it hurts when I also know they aren't choosing to confide in me about it any more. I, also being the Queen of Taking Things Personally, instinctively feel like that person doesn't trust me any more and doesn't value our relationship as much as I thought.

In these situations, I also just feel anxious because I know something is wrong but I don't know what's up or how bad things are. I worry about whether the person is okay but also don't want to pry, especially if I've already asked or if communication with that person has been spotty. It's a stressful place to be in and I've been finding myself in it a lot lately.

I don't really have a point or inspirational message for this post...in fact, I'm not sure it made a ton of sense -- I just needed to get this stress off my chest. But if you're a fellow "chronic empath", maybe you can relate to what I'm talking about. And maybe we can all remind ourselves to open up and be honest about our feelings when we're struggling. It's difficult, but I believe it's important and maybe even makes the world a better, more tender place.

I guess at the end of the day, while it's good to be there for people, we also have to remember that people are complicated and sometimes they pull away from a relationship for reasons we may never know. I'm trying to learn that it's not necessarily my fault if someone pulls away from me -- our tendency is to assume that we are not enough for a person or we did something wrong. But people are often illogical and make choices based on complex, unspoken emotional reactions that often have more to do with their own issues than other people's. While I can understand why I feel hurt and lonely in the wake of people no longer turning to me as a confidant -- or even just someone they contact at all -- I don't have to take it as a personal affront or let it negate the meaningful interactions I did have with a person. It's all just complicated.

Life is full of seasons and changes, and maybe relationships are included in that cycling. People may not always be as close as you want them to be, whether geographically or emotionally or both. But maybe the universe or God or whatever placed me in these people's paths at just the time they needed support from a caring person and we've parted ways now that they no longer need me. It's tough to think about because it makes me feel a bit more like a disposable cup than an instrument of kindness, but the more I live, the more it seems like it might be true. It's just tough when you don't want to let go of people because you love them, but they seem to be letting go of you.

Maybe some new people are just around the bend for me to help. Or maybe there's even someone who will care for me.

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

When you outgrow a lover: Letting go of people who don't appreciate you

Sometimes you meet someone.

And that person takes you absolutely by surprise.

He is not your type, but he makes you want to change whatever your type is from here on out.

He is beautiful, talented, smart, well-spoken, accomplished, sexy, silly, a joy to talk to...

You could go on all day (and sometimes you do.)

But as you start to get to know him better, while you find yourself growing more and more attached, more and more transfixed by all the little things that make up his essence,

you also start to see the cracks.

The ways the two of you are so different, you don't know how you could bridge the gap.

What's worse is when you realize that even though he might want to talk to you for four hours,

he doesn't want to drive an hour to see you because he's back with his friends.

He says he hopes you two cross paths again,

but you know deep down he's not going to make an effort to make that happen.

He doesn't call when he's in your hometown, and you certainly aren't going to call him and look like a stalker and seem desperate,

but after you wipe the tears off your pillow, you still imagine the day you'll sit down for coffee and catch up with him

be reminded of the sound of his voice

the smell of his cologne

the feel of his chest against yours when he goes in for a hug to say hello

the way his eyes glimmer with mischief when he smiles.

You almost hate that other people have been soaking in all those small miracles you live for when they don't care half as much as you.

---

I'm all for unrequited love. I will stick up for anyone who loves someone who doesn't return those feelings. I think we're wrong as a society to save the label of "true love" only for those in a two-way relationship as we recognize it. I think we're wrong to belittle and berate those who fall for people who don't happen to fall as well. I think it's beautiful and selfless to love someone when you know you won't get anything out of it.

I do it all the fucking time.

I have come to realize though that the problem lies here:

Let's go back to that relationship above.

As your heart becomes more and more attached to this man, you admire him more and more. You start to take more interest in the things he likes. This seems harmless as you start learning new things and noticing things at the art gallery you wouldn't have before.

But something niggles in the back of your mind. You know he doesn't do the same. He doesn't attempt to like what you do. In fact, he even makes fun of it or just ignores it. He only likes and actively supports the parts of you that align with his interests. And you're more than those parts. You're a multi-faceted renaissance woman, dammit.

---

It's taken some time (a year), and it'll take a lot more time, I'm sure, but I'm starting to realize: maybe I'm outgrowing this man. I love him, there will always be a piece of me that loves him. If he asked me out tomorrow, I would say yes, but I am tired of always being the one to check in.

I am tired of feeling like I have to align my interests with his. I am sick of feeling anxious to the point of actually feeling physically sick if he hasn't liked my social media in a while. I am tired of feeling uncomfortable sharing about my hobbies that he doesn't take interest in when they are what I am truly passionate about. I'm overstating my case a bit, and I don't mean to hate on him, I just want to be respected. Friendship is a two way street, and I don't think it's unreasonable to support a friend even if they love different things from you.

I know I, being amiable and eager to please and learn and love, tend to let myself be overshadowed by the men I love. And I know that that is at worst dangerous and at best a shame. Because I am an incredible, multi-faceted woman. And somebody who deserves my companionship and love and adoration is somebody who loves the eclectic (sometimes contradictory) collection of interests and personality traits and moods that make up Yours Truly.

If you are outgrowing somebody, it's okay to take a while to admit it, but let the idea sit with you. If you are like me and tend to let yourself be overshadowed, let yourself downplay what you love in hopes of getting love, be more aware of ways you're doing this in your relationships, platonic or romantic. Ask yourself why. Maybe we're anxious that nobody will love us as we are because we have not been shown love before. Or, worse, we've been judged and laughed at when we have shown our true selves. Maybe the relationship is unhealthy and you feel intimidated because you know that person can easily change his/her mind to not like a person.

If you find yourself often changing yourself for people, do little things to re-affirm who you are. List what you love in life. What you love about yourself. When you have felt the happiest and what makes you the happiest. Make a collage or a Pinterest board of things you love or that just appeal to you. Redecorate your cubicle or room or even just a bulletin board on a wall with what makes you happy. Assert yourself in small ways: maybe just expressing an opinion when you would typically hold back or saying you don't like something or speaking up when you want something as small as an ice cream cone after dinner. Choose the restaurant. Say something hurt your feelings. Write a text about how you feel even if you never send it. It's a challenge for some of us -- believe me, my heart races just thinking about doing some of these things -- but do stand up for you. Because you're unique and add a bit of flavor that this world has never tasted before.

And if you're outgrowing a love: I know it's so painful. I know it's a process. You may go back and forth, clinging onto this love. Because you care for that person deeply and they have become part of the fabric of your existence, the path your mind wanders. But it's okay to slowly let go. I tell myself sometimes it's worth the wait, worth the fight -- he does care and maybe I'm being too dramatic and maybe he'll come around to care more...but ultimately if a relationship is making you feel like you're "going crazy" (as much as I hate the term, it feels apt), is it worth you feeling that way?

Friday, May 18, 2018

Anxiety, Sensitivity & Job Searching

I haven't posted in quite a while because now that I'm not down-and-out depressed and seemingly non-functional as a human being, it's hard to know what this blog should look like. But the truth of the matter is, even though I've been working my tail off ever since graduating almost a year ago, trying to get my career off the ground, there are still days I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again or throw my tea cup collection against the bedroom wall out of frustration with friends who I sometimes feel always let me down.

About a month and a half ago, I finished my third internship I've completed since graduating. Since it's hard to get jobs in my field without a Master's degree, I've been taking different short-term opportunities to try and get experience hopes that can: 1) give me some much-needed career direction, 2) boost my resume, and 3) provide me with some interesting experiences living in cool places. The process has had its ups and downs, but I've gained a lot from it and I wouldn't change the path I've taken. But I have to admit, it's been a heck of a whirlwind, and now that it's all died down to me sitting alone day after day in my parents' house in my hometown, getting to have social interaction maybe once every other week...I feel a lot of days like I could scream from the weight of everything whirling around in my own brain.

Who knew sitting around doing nothing but looking for jobs, applying to jobs, waiting to hear about jobs, etc. could be SO. DAMN. STRESSFUL.?

I mean, this is supposed to be the dream, right? I have all this time on my hands, so I can write music, finish my novel, take up watercolors, read all the books I've bought the past two years (and maybe the ones I never got around to in college, amirite, ladies??), maybe actually paint along when I'm watching Bob Ross...But no. I just spiral. All I can think about is finding a job. I need direction. I know I should be doing the projects I put off when I'm working, but I feel too stressed. When I try to pick myself out of the house to do something to get my mind off of things, I talk myself out of it.

"Oh, it'd be too far of a drive." "You know, it's getting close to 3pm and traffic is going to pick up and then what." "Well, shit, it's raining and you can't walk in the rain, can you?" "Coffee would be nice, but do you really want to spend the money if you're going to get an apartment if you land this job?"

Instead, I pick through every job board I know, emailing links left and right to loved ones to get their opinion, bookmarking the sight, pasting the listing into a Word Document, writing a plan for a cover letter. I scour listings until I could cry with frustration at all the dead ends.

Too far away. Wants 7 years experience. Have to have a PhD. Need to be proficient in 5 languages. Only pays $9 an hour. Wants candidates to be knowledgeable of how to operate a gristmill. Only considering people between 5'7" and 5'9".

Recently, I was invited to interview at 3 organizations, all within a week's span. It was exciting and overwhelming and as stressed as I was at the prospect of talking to strangers and traveling to new places, I was exhilarated that a mere month into my job search, I had so many doors opening up. I ended up being a finalist at all three, and I even drove 7 hours up to interview at one place. I was looking at apartments, going to IKEA to scope out furniture, imagining and anticipating my new life as an independent career woman. I would volunteer, join a club, date, adopt a dog, have a cute little apartment with all my own furniture. I would sit in coffee shops and write poetry.

With one email, that's all gone.

I guess I find transitions difficult and job searching is like one giant monster transition fest. Every new opportunity that comes on the horizon, you have to start considering whether you could see yourself in that place, with that company, living in the area. Then if you get called back for another interview, you start looking at apartments and imagining how you'd decorate your desk and checking out the restaurants in town....Then suddenly it's back to square one until a new opportunity comes along and you start the same process. From the outside, nothing is happening in your job search, you're just unemployed, but inside is a constantly changing reality, like the waves at the beach, rolling in and out, in and out. Intermixed with all of that can be grief - grief for the little dreams and hopes you build up that then get smashed to pieces like a sand castle too close to the tide.

It's also tough because people don't have a lot of sympathy or patience for the job searcher; companies don't respect your time or the stress interviewing and applying puts on you. You could put hours into writing application materials and never hear a peep from the recruiter (did they even get my application? Or is it floating in a black hole somewhere?) You can go in and interview THREE TIMES and not hear a decision until you email and ask what's up. People are busy and just plain discourteous and as the beggar in the situation, you're expected to put up with their shenanigans, dropping everything to interview at their beck and call and putting your life and search on hold while waiting for an answer. All the while, you're not making money and you're ready to claw your face off with frustration.

It's hard to relate to people you talk to because they don't want to hear about all your options on the table and interviews where you were asked ridiculous questions...People don't always get how crushing a "no" can be, especially if it's the 100th no you've heard.

And finally, there's just the hurt of feeling like you're not good enough. The sensation comes at some point in the process, if not at many points. Whether it's when you've opened up the 20th listing that it turns out you're not qualified for or the 4th email saying they've decided to go ahead with another candidate...It wounds you a little bit. Even if the people are complimentary and encourage you to apply if there's ever anything else listed, it still stings. You've been rejected. The whole process taps into my underlying insecurity that I'm Not Good Enough. Especially these days when jobs expect you to be freaking superhuman (as a side note: My sister actually came across a listing recently that flat out said they were looking for Thor.)

I wonder why I wasn't smarter about what classes I took in college, why I even majored in what I did, why the universe led me down the path I did. I feel frustrated because supposedly people change jobs all the time but I'm only in my mid-20s and feel like I have trained myself into a corner and can't break into another field. It's discouraging to be plain and simple being compared to someone else. Then you're told you have a lot of what they're looking for. Then you're told you weren't enough. You're left wondering why you weren't good enough and why the other person was better. Yes, I know that sometimes people are just a better fit for small, even arbitrary reasons, but it can get to you.

The whole process is exponentially more difficult if you're shy, socially anxious, introverted, autistic (or have some form of Social Communication Disorder), or have poor executive functioning (ADD/ADHD). This post is long enough as it is, so I'll only briefly say that although my social anxiety is exponentially better than a year ago, interviews still make me very on edge because of the unknowns of the situation (you have to navigate a strange city and/or building to get there, you don't know exactly what the process will be when you get there, you don't know exactly what questions will be asked.) Then afterwards I tend to beat up on myself for not answering better or being more sociable and making small talk. When I don't get the job, I sometimes wonder if it was because I wasn't more outgoing. Add to that being an introvert...it's tough to think up answers right on the spot! Oftentimes a day or even a week later, I think of the perfect answer for a question that just didn't come to mind when I was put on the spot.

Anyways, this was a lot of ranting and rambling, but I wanted to get these feelings off my chest and let anyone else out there struggling with Job Search Anxiety and/or Job Rejection Insecurity to know that they're not alone. It's a tough place to be in. I could go on for another page or two about how frustrating this stage of life is, but hang in there. This too shall pass. If depression and dark thoughts about yourself, doubts about your worth or your future start to become too much, please know that even if your depression or your unemployment have been going on for a long time, life is full of unexpected twists and turns, and sometimes they're for the best. There's hope.

Stay strong, friends.