Saturday, January 13, 2018

Leaps of Faith: When Anxiety Makes Change Terrifying

Change is scary.

Transition is difficult.

I always berate myself for getting so thrown by changes in my life. Things that should be a relief, like coming home after being away at school or an internship for a long time can be agonizing as I navigate a surge of emotions and frustrations. I remember I used to get so overwhelmed and emotional when I went back to school after break even though I was happy to be back...I would think about how I was getting closer to graduation and just generally feel overwhelmed at the prospect of being back with friends at my second home.

Last fall, when I moved ten hours from home to an internship, I remember being flooded with overwhelm and emotions as I dumped suitcase after suitcase of my belongings into the converted motel room I would be inhabiting for the next two months. I was still reeling from heartbreak and had only been home for two weeks since my summer intensive internship program -- two weeks that had been filled with tumult over transitioning back to life with my family after a summer of relative independence as well as figuring out what my next step was.

Soon, I'll be moving to another short-term work opportunity in a state even further away. I'm excited but also overwhelmed by the prospect of leaving my family, who have been my bedrock in recent months. I'm stressed about all the obligations I have leading up to my move, which I know will leave me feeling drained. I feel alone, not knowing anyone who I'll be living or working with. I feel nervous about the drive there, especially after my psychiatrist spent most of my med check appointment doling out unsolicited advice about making long trips and subsequently messed up writing my prescription, leaving me with anxiety about my drive and yet another issue (getting the meds I need for the two months) I have to sort out before I leave.

I'm scared. I worry about getting lonely and depressed again once I get there. I worry I won't be able to do my job well. I worry about what I will do after this internship finishes.

But at the end of the day, I think about all the experiences I've gotten to have by stepping - hell, leaping - out of my comfort zone multiple times in the past year. Not all of the experiences were great, but I grew through it all. And I will always remember what my mom said to me when I started to cry when she dropped me off at my internship last summer: "You are supposed to be here because you deserve something more than just sitting around at home."

It's terrifying to push yourself out of your carefully-constructed comfort zone, especially when you struggle with anxiety, stress-induced depression and panic attacks, and are sensitive. But we have to take those leaps so we don't become a prisoner to our demons.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

There's always something better...: When You Don't Feel Like You're What People Want

Lately, my self-worth has taken a real blow.

I just feel like I am not people's cup of tea. I'm not what anybody wants. The facts are staring me in the face everywhere I look -- proof left and right that I am not good enough. Check social media -- people haven't liked my post. Check my phone -- friends haven't responded to my messages. Check my blogs and I am still getting maybe two views a day. It's all about as bleak as this January weather.

There's always a better blog to read. A cool one with glossy photos, sleek design, promotions for products, and constantly-updated social media.

Better music to listen to that's upbeat and slickly produced and well-marketed and has sexy photoshoots.

A friend who doesn't dump all their feelings on you whenever you talk.

A friend who doesn't come off as desperate when you do talk.

A friend who isn't crazy.

A girl you could ask out on a dating site instead of going up to her in person.

A girl who's prettier, has straighter teeth, wasn't raised so conservative, can get wasted, can bang you tonight instead of saying she needs to get to know you better.

A girl who's not so emotional, not so vocal about all the shit she's gone through, not so desperately interested in you that it makes you lose interest.

A girl who's not crazy.

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I feel like all my relationships are unfulfilling and I feel directionless with what to do with my life and talents. I feel depressed. Again. It never really goes away, does it?

I didn't think I was that bad until last night I was lying on the couch with my mom -- beside my own mother, who loves me dearly -- and I seriously thought about killing myself that night. I just felt like such a nobody and felt so lost, I figured it didn't really make a difference whether I was here or not.

I hate people who try and force you to be positive to deal with things, but ultimately, at times like these, I have to keep faith in my mind, even if I don't feel it in my heart, that there is something better. Not something better to compare myself to to make myself feel bad, but better things in store for the future.

Maybe I will find a beautiful, restful place to live.

Maybe I will find a fulfilling job.

Maybe I will continue to help people by sharing my story.

Maybe one day my hard work and dedication on projects will pay off.

Maybe one day I will find friends who are dedicated, persistent, and loyal.

Maybe one day I will be loved by a man who really cares.

Maybe one day I will be content with who I am and learn to love, accept, and appreciate myself and my accomplishments and hard work to overcome my struggles.

Because real friends and significant others love you no matter how annoying you get or how shitty your life becomes. It breaks their heart to see you suffer as much as it breaks yours, and they want to see your through and support you. Real friends love your crazy.

And life is about learning to accept who you are and what you've done, finding your path. You may never find acceptance, but you can find something better -- fulfillment in doing what you love and loving who you are.

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Mindfulness: When your feelings are overwhelming, pause to realize the miracle you are living

I've never liked forcing myself to do stuff.

I hate planners, schedules, exercise, resolutions, etc. So even though I always heard people recommend meditation and mindfulness as good ways to cope with anxiety and depression, I never really wanted to take their advice because I didn't want to force myself to sit quietly and not think about the emotions that were constantly pulsing through me. To not acknowledge my feelings would mean I would be treating my emotions the way everyone else did -- ignoring them.

So when I was reading singer Jewel Kilcher's memoir Never Broken (which is pretty heavy and I would recommend) and she started talking about the importance of mindfulness and taking time to notice your feelings and the things around you, I got frustrated because I didn't want to take her advice, but I knew I should.

Grudgingly, I've been trying it the last couple days. Just for half a minute or so every once in a while. But I have to admit it helps.

I've been balancing feeling surprisingly numb about some things in my life at certain times and powerfully emotional about them at others. I've been continuing the process of grieving relationships where my feelings weren't reciprocated. Two were romantic interests that happened this past year, one was from a couple years ago, but the wound has never really healed properly, and I find that dealing with the rejection from the other two reopens the wound from the third one. I feel stupid that it still bothers me after all this time, but, wow, it really bothers me. I can't seem to heal and let go.

Simultaneously, I also feel exasperated with my friendships. I feel like giving up. I don't want to reach out any more and invest all this effort into things just to end up exhausted and disappointed. I feel like hardening my heart, dropping out, numbing myself to having any feelings at all towards these people because it's just taken too much out of me for so many years to almost always be the one initiating, investing, remembering the date and wishing someone good luck, asking about the guy, sending the letter, blah blah blah. I just want to curl into my hole and hibernate. I wish I could sleep all day. I wish I could just shut the world out so I can't be hurt by it.

With that, I'm starting to feel the fear reemerge that romantic relationships are too difficult, too complex, too risky, too foreign, and I should just avoid them rather than fail. Which is assuming that I even have a choice...They avoid me. I guess a better term is just give up. I feel like I should just stop getting my hopes up and say, "Fuck it. Nobody wants me, so I'm going to stop pouring myself out for people. I would just get hurt anyways, most likely." I'm scared of relationships. I've always been scared. I don't want to fail. I'm afraid of arguing. I'm afraid of making a bad choice. I'm afraid I'll be let down and disappointed. I'm afraid I won't be accepted for who I am.

With all that going through my head, including a renewed reminder of how this man who, gosh, I could have sworn it was turning into love...I can't seem to shake him and it's been six months, so isn't that love? -- well, I don't think he loves me back. In fact, I think he might be falling for someone else, though there was a little while when I talked to him the other night that I sensed something might be different...He was a little more protective, a little more sensitive to what I thought, a little more willing to praise...And tonight, the painting he posted had the caption that strangely echoed one of my one recent posts...I thought there might be a small chance there was hope, and, shit, how my heart glowed...

But, yeah, pretty sure I'm wrong...Jumping to conclusions. As usual. If he was interested, he would have said something by now. Maybe he would start a conversation. Maybe he would ask to meet. Everybody's told me as much. (But a little corner of my heart will hold out hope for a while yet, nonetheless.)

So with all that (getting back to the point), I stepped out of the shower tonight and sat down, eyes closed, deciding to try this mindfulness thing again.

First, I noticed the light, shining brighter on one side of my face than the other. Pinkish as it filtered through my eyelids.

I felt the warmth of my hands against my knees. It struck me how it signified that life was radiating through me. I am pulsing with life constantly, I just don't stop to realize it.

I placed my feet up on the tub and hugged my shins, resting my cheek on my bony knees, letting this revelation sink in:


No matter who rejects me or how little attention I get -- I am alive. I am a force to be reckoned with. It is a gift to have this life, even if it seldom feels that way these days. I often feel like it's a waste that I'm here, but in reality, it's a miracle. For some damn reason, all these cells in me are fighting and working full-time to make sure I stay alive, so I guess I should listen to that.

Something wants me to be here. And even if it's not my friends or these men or sometimes even myself...

It's my body, fighting for me to live and do whatever the hell it is I'm here for.