Friday, August 4, 2017

hollow.

I feel numb.

I feel hollow.

I hate today.

I can't wait for tomorrow. Maybe if I get out of this place, I will shed this skin I feel trapped in. Maybe if I start moving again, I can get away from this horrible emptiness.

I know I only have a short time left with him. I spent the whole summer dreaming about how we would keep up after this was all over, but now it's niggling in the back of my mind that we might never see each other again. Who knows if he'll ever want to talk again. He has plenty else going on in his life.

I didn't realize how badly I had it for him until I felt the hollowness of not having him near. We even saw each other, but we haven't gotten to really talk. Every part of me aches to text him, to ask to do something together, but I always tell myself he's busy.

Part of me keeps thinking maybe this was just something that was supposed to help me get through this awful summer, a ray of light in an otherwise dreary time, and now I'm just supposed to move on. But I hate that part of me. I hate that thought.

I wish we could either go backwards, to when we finally got to be alone together on equal terms. When he was honest. When he needed me. When he wanted me there. Or we could go forwards and I could know whether this is a lost cause or my happy destiny.

I know we're so different and I am probably too naive to be with him. He's probably not sentimental enough for me. But I care for him in a way I've never felt for anyone else. For once, I felt like letting go and not overanalyzing and just falling, but of course I've fallen for yet another inaccessible person.

I'm numb.

I'm hollow.

I don't know where to turn.

I'm supposed to be past all this - the unrequited love, the falling for people who don't want me, the depression, the panic attacks. But they keep coming back. I keep falling into them.

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