Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Flat on my face.

A couple of months ago, I was walking through the neighborhood when suddenly I found myself flat, face-down on the sidewalk with skinned knees and hands and the wind knocked out of me. I honestly have no idea how this happened except that I remember twisting my ankle a bit and the ground was pretty steep. But it was such a bizarre feeling to go from upright and confident to sprawled on the ground, humiliated with no warning whatsoever.

I feel like this is a good image of relapsing in mental illness. My therapist says they aren't relapses so much as dips in moods, and I guess she's right, but I guess I look at myself as being on an upward trajectory from where I was a year and a half ago - in the complete worst shape of my life. Ever since then, I've been desperate to get better and return to a proper functioning state. It's discouraging, frustrating, and confusing when I find myself flat on my face again, usually because of the same anxieties, hurts, or struggles that I've grappled with for the last few years of my life. I hate going back over and over to the same hurts, but I don't know how to resolve them and move on either. I guess that's why therapy takes so long.

Tonight, I fell flat on my face again - emotionally, that is. It wasn't exactly an unexpected thing, I guess, seeing as I've been stressed all day, but it sure felt like it came out of nowhere, grabbed me, and pulled me down to collide full-force with the unaccomodating asphalt of depression. I feel unbearably lonely and isolated from all of my friends. I feel like nobody cares. I don't know for the life of me how to bridge that gap. I feel stupid for falling for yet another guy who doesn't like me back and I'm frustrated that we can't have a relationship because I just want to experience this stupid romance thing for once in my life and I feel like I deserve love so I don't know why it keeps being denied to me.

In the Christian tradition, many people say that broken relationships are one of the major effects of the Fall of mankind into sin, and they serve as a reminder that this isn't heaven and only God can love us purely, the way we desire. I guess that's all true, but it makes me so mad to realize it. I just want to be happy for a while in my life - is that too much to ask after all the shit that's happened to me? I want to fall in love without asking a million questions or being afraid that he's not right and we'll break up and I'll be hurt. I want to love a person without the millions of worst-case scenarios my frightened mind starts running through to protect itself. I want to stop obsessing about people who don't care about me and be the one someone wants for a change (preferably someone not creepy who I actually like back, may I add...)

I don't know if I'm so sad because I haven't been getting enough sleep or because of the stress or because I didn't take my pills at the right time...probably a combination of all three. But that frustrates me too; why can I only be happy if there's a delicate balance of factors fulfilled? Life doesn't typically allow for you to get your nine hours of sleep, your pills before breakfast on an empty stomach, your other pills afterwards on a full one, your workload at a steady stream of just-challenging-enough. And counselors are only there once a week to put a little band-aid on the gaping hole that exists where your chest ought to be.

I guess I shouldn't be so pessimistic on a blog, but I can't stop thinking about the times when people actually were honest with me about their feelings and I realized that I'm not alone in feeling these horrible sad things sometimes. One incident in particular happened just a couple of weeks ago: my successful, popular, attractive friend mentioned something about being lonely sometimes. Of course I was sad for him, but I was also a bit relieved to know that even popular  people feel lonely. So I write all this sad, angsty rambling for you, dear readers, in case you are comforted in the same way I was by finding that you're not alone. Ironically, I think we can all relate as humans because we all feel lonely sometimes.

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