Sunday, June 12, 2016

Some poetry.

I've been sorting through some old files to try and quell my computer's protests that I don't have enough disc space and I found quite a few things I wrote during my darkest cafe days a year and a half ago. I thought some of it might be worth sharing on here in case they could be of use to anyone else going through similar things.

Reading it over, I guess I should forewarn people that there is some rather violent imagery and language if that might bring up issues for you.

This particular set of lyrics I wrote about my frustration and hurt over the neglect (dare I say betrayal? maybe that's too harsh...) of my friends when I had clearly communicated that I was hurting. It's unedited but honest. I don't think the lyrics will ever make it into a song (90% of what I write doesn't) but I always hesitate to even think of calling my stuff poetry because I know that stuff has rhyme schemes and meters and other sophisticated structure. But here it is:

I had a wise man tell me one day
People are just a liability
I scold what an awful thing to say
But now I'm losing the ability
To deny the doubts in my own mind
I've gotten so disillusioned
If you didn't love them you'd leave em
Cuz they've left bleedin'
One too many times

You gotta earn your way in this world
You gotta fight for him if you wanna be his girl
Laugh hard, talk loud
Pretend you know what you're talking about
Love is a reward, it's conditional
Broken hearts are turned away from the hospital
Everyone keeps track of sin
That's what I've learned
On the outside looking in

People are posion
Don't too close
Or you'll end up crying
When the doors are closed
You swear it's worse than dying
Call it cynicism
It's my prison
I shiver from all the draughts
But I stay in hopes it'll keep me safe

Whoever said ghosts were phantoms
That lurk around your house
No, they're the memories locked in your head
That you can't get out
Good men are just pretend
They take you round the side
Shoot a bullet in your back
Leave you suffering but alive
Tell you to put your head in a sack
Then they wave when they see you again
And just like that you're supposed to be friends

I want to believe the truth
Just like I wanted to believe in you
But I've been burned so many times
And you were just another lie
I told myself
I want to hope
I know there are ways to cope
I would be stronger if I said no
But I am weak, okay
I am weak
And I guess I tell myself these lies
Because I hope someone will come and tell me they're not true
I hope someone will come and tell me "I love you"

- R.G., early 2015

My thoughts and prayers go out to those affected by the Orlando tragedy as well as the other awful happenings of the past week. Hate and guns...the worst human inventions. Let's be a part of bringing more love to this world. I know I need to work on doing so.

I am starting to maybe have the tiniest glimmer of possibly believing in love again. There is a good man out there. But who knows if our paths will ever intersect...

Overall, I am hopeful again, contrary to how I felt when I wrote these lyrics, though I don't blame myself for writing them at the time. But I hope I can offer hope in saying that even those painful, deep wounds of being abandoned by friends are healing pretty well. They'll never go away, but they aren't raw like they used to be, getting inflamed anytime they were rubbed the wrong way. I am learning to stand on my own two feet and hold the hands of those who do love me and let go of those who have shown they do not.

So take that, everyone who didn't respond to my email saying I was leaving school. I hope you all learn to be good friends one day. I know it's hard when you don't know what to say, but it's still good to say something.

Now I'm rambling...

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