Friday, June 17, 2016

Cold feet.

Earlier this week I got all excited again considering the possibility of re-opening my heart to the idea of falling in love one day. The magic was short-lived though as the weight of reality came crashing in: no one is interested in me and the idea of falling in love has made me more angsty, unsatisfied, critical of myself, and anxious than when I had given up on the possibility. The truth is, romance has caused me more trouble than it seems worth, maybe because I've never had my romantic feelings reciprocated by anyone so I've never truly experienced that lovey-dovey honeymoon period where someone actually wants to be with you too. The idea that someone would actually be interested in me or tell me I'm beautiful or want to hang out with me seems completely far-fetched, foreign, pie-in-the-sky, especially now that it feels like not even my platonic female friends want to hang out with me.

The more I think about love, the more doubts I have. Could I really be happy with someone else? Would they understand what I've been through? Would they accept me as I am or push me to be more like how they think I ought to be? Would they take the time and patience to understand who I am and where I'm coming from, or would they berate me for not fulfilling certain ideals or being a better person? Could we actually agree on what we want from life and whether or not to have children and where to live and where to go to church, etc. without one person losing and becoming lonely and bitter? I guess I'm only used to seeing the end of love, how things don't work out, not the beginning when it seems like the two of you can work out anything with the incredible power of your shared passion. But the truth is that love has its limitations and roadblocks.

In the past, I've become so obsessed with trying to figure out the exact perfect combination of personality traits, values, characters qualities, and interests that would make two people optimally compatible. The problem is, I've spent so much time trying to figure out the logistics and logic of a match, that I've forgotten the most important thing: the relationship, the connection. Of course, that's because I've never had the opportunity to experience it. But when you focus on how everything can go wrong, you lose faith in things ever going right, which is pretty cruddy. I guess my experiences over the past year and beyond have instilled a lot of doubt in humanity in me; I don't know if people can love you unconditionally and sacrificially. People seem to have a lot of conditions for their love; things that will make them second guess and decide to walk away.

And even though I've believed almost my entire life that God loves unconditionally, the people who teach my faith sure make it seem like there's a lot you can do to make him stop loving you as much. I've been trying to get to know God again without the constructs of religion, but I'm still often find myself afraid that I'm not doing enough or being faithful enough. But I guess what matters is the heart behind things.

I've been afraid to form a relationship with someone and have it not work out; it seems like a waste of time and something that makes you a failure. Plus, people of my faith were big in pushing the idea that you should only have a romantic relationship with the person you would marry. The problem is, that makes you afraid to date anyone (oops, sorry, court). And maybe loving someone isn't a loss but a gain, even if things don't work out as you had intended. I did learn some thing along the way from all of the guys I liked, even if some of those crushes make me want to hide my head in humiliation...like when I went to the library every single day of my freshman year because I had a huge crush on this guy who would always be there who I happened to talk to one day at church. Oh, to be young! Actually, I hope I never am that young and naive again because that was pretty dumb and embarrassing...

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