Thursday, December 17, 2015

What if Elmer's was toxic?

Last post, in my random train of very extensive thought, I touched on something that has been a big issue for me the past three years: Toxic relationships.

Relationships are hard to navigate because, obviously, since we are all flawed people, we will all hurt one another in relationships and not fulfill the standards we should as friends, spouses, parents, kids, etc. So we have to constantly evaluate whether relationships are worth sustaining and working at, or whether they are doing more harm than good and are better being abandoned, or even severed.

This is especially difficult when you become emotionally attached to people ... and those people have issues of their own. And you lack self-confidence and are desperate for affection and fun. When you have faith in that person and want to help them. When you cling to the memories of the time they have supported you or you connected or they were in a good mood and they made you laugh or they laughed at your joke or they said something positive about you that you've always wanted to hear.

I guess the tricky thing is that people aren't all good or all bad, though we like to paint them that way because it makes things much easier. None of us can really say we're a good person because we can't fully see the consequences of our actions and inactions or the way we've hurt or helped others. Similarly, I'm sure you've had a time when you found out that someone you've always found despicable actually did something very kind or you hear about the terrible childhood they had and you realize they never had the chance to be better than they've turned out.

I've really struggled to figure out when to draw the line on unhealthy relationships and walk away. There are ones, namely, romantic-tinged ones, that I wish I had walked away from sooner. The two that I especially think of kind of bookend my romantic life so far: my big high school crush that went nowhere and my big junior year crush of college. Both are pretty similar stories: I really liked the guy and he gave indications that he liked me so i became obsessed with him but we didn't hang out enough to really solidify the relationship but I kept hoping and he kind of floundered but I kept pushing to try to get to know each other and he was just awkward and eventually arrogant and even rude. eventually I gave up on the relationship, but not after a lot of pain and hurt from his ignorant comments and non-committal flip-flopping.

There's no real resolution to the pain of broken, disappointed relationships. I wonder if that's why so many people, once they've had one significant other start serial dating, always needing to have somebody. Right now I feel caught between feelings of intense loneliness/isolation and frustration with the dysfunctional-ity of relationships in general. Ifeel like I expend so much energy trying to keep up superficial connections with people who are just too busy to invest in a friendship. I keep chasing because I'm lonely, but I only end up lonelier because the desperate efforts at keeping things up and the apathy those efforts are met with just serve as a reminder for how alone I am.

people don't want to talk or invite you to their wedding or tell you they're on a trip they always said they'd take with you.

How I wish I could cut out the part of me that wants companionship. I wonder how much happier I would be!

No one seems to have the answer for how to heal the pain of past hurt; I think that pain is the root of many of our problems.

No comments:

Post a Comment