Saturday, December 19, 2015

barbed wire

I've been really into watching this show about people who rescue and rehabilitate hurt Australian wildlife. One of the most common issues rescue staff face is animals getting tangled in barbed wire or fishing nets and fish hooks. Of course the issue with these traps are that the more the animals struggle, the more caught they get.

Tonight, I feel like every which way I turn, I just get more hurt. Another barb sticks into my flesh. Reminders of friends who have moved on with their lives. People who have graduated early and celebrate with their oodles of friends they made at school. Friends who turned down my offer to hang out and then turn up on Facebook smiling at a restaurant with another friend.

I feel listless lately. Useless. Purposeless. Even like my life doesn't matter. I simultaneously see it slipping through my hands, wasted, and feel like I don't know what else to do with myself but sleep, especially when I feel so crappy physically.

What really tears at me is the realization that most of my friendships are basically over.  People aren't going to keep up with me. It's so painful.

I feel like so many things haven't worked out for me. It doesn't seem fair. In particular, it's discouraging how little people seem to care about my music. People only seem to want to listen to what's popular. Even friends who have said positive things generally don't listen to my stuff more than once.

Things just seem a little pointless, I guess. Which is disappointing because I really want to have a point. And it makes me feel like, if I don't have a purpose here, then why not just sell yourself for other people's benefit?

I think about the guy I liked so much this past year, too. For some inexplicable reason, acknowledging that maybe I'm not so over him and maybe I do have some regret we didn't get together, brought some healing. I've let myself wonder...what if the door isn't totally closed? But the sad thing is I don't think he is a kind person. And I think that I do deserve better, even if I don't necessarily feel that way.

But I still wish I knew more...did he ever feel anything for me? Does he regret how he treated me? Is he happy with Her? Has he noticed that I cut things off? Was that song about me? Does he ever think about me? Worry about me? I feel a bit bad for him since I can tell he suffers from Dark Cafe Days. I feel bad because I can tell he's insecure and that's the root of some of his unkindness. I also think it's a shame that he puts fitting in and pleasing others above being his own person. I wonder if he's really happy staying at That School because She's there, etc. since he didn't seem happy. I wonder how my life would have been different had I left the first time I thought I should.

But who knows...I guess these things just fade with the carousel tune as you walk away from the Circle Game.

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